Paul

Paul

SMILEYSKULL

SMILEYSKULL
Half the story is a dangerous thing

DISCLAIMER

All content on this blog is the copyright © of Paul Murray (unless noted otherwise / reposts etc.) and the intellectual property is owned by him, however, the purpose of this forum is to share the content with all who dare to venture here.
The subject matter is adult in nature so those who are easily offended, misunderstand satire, or are generally too uptight to have a good time or even like who they are, it's probably a good idea to leave now.
Enjoy responsibly...

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

IT WASN'T A TRY - LIVE WITH IT!

FOR ALL THOSE ENGLISHMEN AND ANTI-SPRINGBOK TOSSERS - PLEASE HAVE A CAREFUL LOOK AT THE PICTURE BELOW AND FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE - OR YOUR PIECE FOR THAT MATTER - WHATEVER! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP & MOVE ON...

BOKKE RULE! (for the next 4 years at least....)

Friday, 19 October 2007

PURE RUGBY - update

(This post was updated on 24th October - the final limerick verse was added. I didn't want to jinx the boys by posting it prior to our win - which was never in doubt - see the latest post - NICE TRY BUT IT WASN'T ONE!)

I was blown away, but not surprised, by our march through to the Rugby World Cup final on 20th October against England.
I truly believe that Argentina is a far better side than the performance against the Boks in the semi-final would have us believe. Had they engaged us like they did France in the opening game where they believed they could take us on in every facet of the game, the match might have played out differently. Don't get me wrong - I still believe the Boks would have prevailed but the Pumas' professional approach all through the tournament seemed to disintegrate in the semi-final almost as if they had resigned themselves to losing their line-out ball and hoping to keep us pinned back with tactical kicking. Had their kicking been on-song, we might have paid a heavy price for our own inept punting display but the touch-finders that did actually make it to the line, more often than not, were comfortably won by the Springboks on our own and the Pumas' throw.
We will need to step up a gear for the final clash and I have no doubt the Boks are more aware of that demand than anyone else on the planet right now.
The Springbok team psychologist (name escapes me right now) was featured on 702 during this week chatting to David O'Sullivan and he intimated that the players couldn't help but feeling isolated right now and starved of their home support and understandably so. Leaping into action immediately, an sms and email line were set up to receive the wellwishing of 702-landers, these to be forwarded and displayed at the Bok quarters in France. David O'Sullivan admitted to being staggered by the volume of the response and further amazed by the fact that there was not a single dissenting voice among the correspondence - a significant yardstick for the present sentiment in the country marred only by yet another victim of violent crime - the high-profile and well-loved reggae star, Lucky Dube who was tragically and horrifically gunned down in front of his young children in a suspected botched high-jacking in the south of Johannesburg on Thursday (last) night.
John Robbie, 702's morning show host, raised the question of whether listeners thought the Boks should wear black armbands as a mark of respect for the fallen musician and I, for one, believe that the gesture should be embraced - not just for Lucky Dube alone but for all victims of violent crime in our country and this sentiment should be stressed and broadcast to the populace especially the attending President Mbeki en-route to Paris to cheer the Boks on.
That said, I felt compelled to add my own literary contribution to the Springboks wellwishers' list and this little offering takes the inevitable form of a limerick as below:

AN ODE TO THE SPRINGBOKS

Up front CJ, Os and John Smit
Will be pumped from the very first hit
Every” “Touch, pause, engage!”
Will inspire them with rage
And the English front row will submit

With the Blou Bulle second row pair
It’s a combo that’s beyond compare
Yeah Botha and Matfield
From the Bull Ring in Hatfield
Are the kings of the ball in the air

Then there’s Burger and Smith and Rossouw
Our fetching and fighting back row
In the rucks and the mauls
These boys have the balls
Ensuring the next phase will flow

With a midfield of Butch, Jacque and Steyn
We’ll inflict on the Pommies much pain
With our whiplike attack
Jonny Wilko will crack
And his kicking will go down the drain

Then there’s Fourie du Preez as our scrummie
Who can kick, dart or sell one a dummy
He’s the world’s number one
At the base of the scrum
Or crossing the line on his tummy

Our left wing is someone called Bryan
Whose forte is low-level flying
His side step and ducking
Leaves opponents just kakking
And that’s when he’s not even trying

And to counter the intercept king
There’s JP on the opposite wing
He is young and inspired
And he never gets tired
Gives our backline its scorpion sting

And Monty our veteran fullback
With his highlights he cops all the flak
But his highlight for me
Is his consistency
And his calmness when under attack

Not forgetting our boys on the side
Still a wave in our green and gold tide
And the awesome Jake White
With his flair and insight
Win or lose - fills our nation with pride!

Now the battle is over and done
The English have turned tail and run
John Smit and his team
Have brought home a dream
Yes our brilliant young Springboks have won!

GO BOKKE – YOU’VE ALREADY MADE US PROUD – AND YOU'VE MADE HISTORY!

Sunday, 14 October 2007

ADVERTISING? ARE YOU KIDDING ME...

MISSING THE POINT....
(I emailed this to Jenny Crwys-Williams and Andy Rice of 702 Talk Radio. Jenny runs an ad feature on her show every Thursday with Andy as a guest expert. That he is and more with a subtle wit to accompany his articulate, informative demeanour.)



Now is it just me or has there been a plethora of irritation expressed over the ads I’m about to highlight?
I refer firstly to the strange practice of advertising agencies allowing themselves to be browbeaten into the hideously bad idea of presenting a real live customer as a voice-over artist through a radio media campaign. I mean, I can’t imagine for a second that the agency would have advised the client of such folly. Would they? Surely not? Tell me it isn’t so…

I recall the MD of Sembel-It having a go at this in the dim and distant past, his wooden monotonous delivery about as inspiring, exciting and convincing as an inebriated beggar at a traffic light.
But the ultimate cringe has to be the Hirsch adverts starring none other than the irrepressible (yet nauseatingly irritating) Lucy Hirsch herself. At first pass I was amused – greatly amused – as I thought it to be a lampoon of some sort but as time wore on I realised that this was the real deal, almost as tragic as those hapless figures on SA Idols who can’t carry a tune for toffee yet are convinced, not only of their vocal prowess, but believe they really and truly deserve to be the biggest thing in pop since Robbie Williams gave his erstwhile boy band the finger all those aeons ago…
I have reached the stage where the opening: “Hah – ahm Loo see Hersch…” causes an involuntary muscle reaction within my left arm, spasming it whip-like to the OFF button on my car radio. I have no control over this – it just happens. About thirty seconds pass and then it does it again – this time targeting the ON button. And the demon is gone. The sweating subsides into a mild panic and I can drive to the jocular John Robbie or the redoubtable Redi Direko or the charismatic Chris Gibbons or the jolly Jenny Crwys-Williams or the drive-time David O’Sullivan – after that I’m usually home. Anything, please anything other than Loo-see Hersch!
Why do they do it Andy, why? I would rather eat worms than listen to the nasal whine of that woman let alone directing my car to any of their one-two-three stores to buy so much as a pack of AAA batteries. It simply doesn’t work. Or does it? Is there a rabid following of aurally-impaired Hirschophiles out there that hang on her every badly-pronounced word? Or are there droves of people like me who cringe every time she opens her mouth? I mean a Facebook group dedicated to her irritation: Get off the radio Lucy Hirsch: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2418711473 Doesn’t that kinda sum up the dismal failure of this campaign or are the ad execs disarmingly convincing the Hirsch family that even bad media is good exposure?

Secondly there is the bizarre perception fostered by agencies that ordinary people talk like physicians when they meet casually in supermarkets, just breathless to pounce upon the first opportunity to discuss constipation or other digestive ailments in the frankest of terms. Where do these fools live?
When have you or anyone else on the planet small-talked about the pharmacological action of a medication? Never happened. Never will.
They have one on air currently about a certain laxative. Picture this: a Saturday morning. Jenny and Andy casually bump into one another in the aisle of their local Spar (Good for you? Good for them!).

Reality is:
Jenny:
Hi, Andy, what’s up?
Andy: (if he’s comfortable about sharing his digestive dilemmas in the first place) Hi, Jen – nothing much. Just feeling a bit bloated – y’know – constipated…very uncomfortable.
Jenny: You poor dear. Oh, I use this stuff (insert trade name here) and it’s great. It really works.
Andy: What was that name again?
Jenny: (Repeats trade name)
Andy: Thanks, I’ll try it.
End of discussion. It either works or it doesn’t.

Not:
Jenny:
Hi, Andy, what’s up?
Andy: (we’ve already established that it doesn’t offend his or Jenny’s sensibilities talking about his poo-problems publicly) Hi, Jen – nothing much. Just feeling a bit bloated – y’know – constipated…very uncomfortable.
Jenny: You poor dear. Oh, you should really try (launching into a pharmacist-type authoritarian tone) (insert trade name here) it acts by its osmotic properties thus increasing stimulation of fluid secretion, thereby promoting bowel movement while simultaneously stimulating the accumulation of water and electrolytes in the colon and thus increasing intestinal motility.
Andy: Wow! that sounds like just what I need?
Jenny: (Repeats trade name) – it really works
Andy: Thanks, I’m going to rush over to the pharmacy immediately and ingest heaps of this amazing stuff!

If anyone’s friends (who weren’t pharmacists getting Drug company kickbacks) had to talk to them in this manner, they would turn tail and flee, considering the possibility of having their pal committed for losing all touch with reality.
If they’re going to advertise drugs in technical manner then surely they must attempt to deliver the message through the agency of an authority figure such as a (suitably cast) doctor or a pharmacist and avoid at all costs the insulting, annoying dynamic of unrealistic situation dialogue which serves only to alienate the market they seek to access?
The third one is for a pile (haemorrhoid) treatment which devolves so deeply into the realm of ridiculousness that it can only be amusing – ask Redi Direko – she knows this stuff really works. She heard the ad, lapsed into paroxysms of mirth to such a degree that I’m sure she must have been in danger of having a mishap.
The ultimate ad would thus have to be: Lucy Hirsch and the MD of Sembel-It meeting in a public place and discussing their combined haemorrhoidal and defecatory restrictedness in a frank, whining, pharmacological exchange.
I just can’t wait.

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

GEORGE GREGAN ARRESTED IN PARIS

GEORGE GREGAN ARRESTED IN PARIS!

The arrest of pivotal Australian scrumhalf, George Gregan, in Paris yesterday, deals a serious blow to the Wallabies’ World Cup campaign.
The feisty ex-Zambian, who is known for speaking his mind when on the field, met his match in the shape of a phalanx of no-nonsense Gendarmes who removed the veteran scrumhalf from a Parisienne restaurant after it was alleged Gregan became violent and disruptive in the world-renowned night spot.
A group of Wallabies players were dining at the upmarket Fellini Restaurant in the Les Halles district of the city when Gregan was alleged to have questioned the Maitre-D’s knowledge of the food being served.
An argument ensued wherein Gregan was alleged to have become belligerent with both the Maitre-D and the restaurant Manager, Pierre Du Bois, Gregan refusing to accept that the lamb he’d ordered had been properly treated.
M. Du Bois was visibly upset by Gregan’s behaviour and insisted that the Lamb Cacciatore was prepared traditionally: he went on to explain how the world-class chefs at Fellini took garlic powder, onion powder, kosher salt, and black pepper and sifted them into a small bowl. They then proceeded to sprinkle this mixture over the lamb and tossed it to coat the meat. Thereafter a large, heavy, deep skillet was heated over medium-high heat until very hot. Olive oil was added and swirled to coat the pan. The lamb was browned in batches, taking care not to crowd the pan. Once removed, the browned lamb was added to a separate bowl and red wine was then added to the hot pan, cooked for 3 minutes, scraping all the browned bits from the bottom. Tomato sauce was blended with the red wine in the pan, swirling to combine, whereafter the browned lamb was returned to the skillet. Sweet peppers, bell peppers, mushrooms, rosemary, and garlic were added and gently tossed to combine with the sauce. The mixture was brought to a gentle boil, covered, and heat reduced to lowest setting. The cacciatore was allowed to simmer for about 1 hour, being stirried every 15 minutes, until the lamb was fork tender. Additional kosher salt and pepper was added as needed. Crucially, Du Bois noted - the rosemary sprigs were to be removed before serving the lamb cacciatore over linguini or other large pasta. “This is how Mr Gregan’s lamb was prepared – not ‘rooted to death by a queer Froggie cook in fishnets and g-string with a feather up his arse’ as Mr Gregan claimed,” said the distraught restaurant manager.
Bail was denied by the local authorities when it became clear that Gregan’s violent behaviour in the restaurant wasn’t going to abate in a hurry, thus numerous Gendarmes arrived to quell the riot. Gregan continued to shout, scream and hurl abuse at the French policemen on the trip to the holding cells.
The case will be heard tomorrow at 10 am. The Wallabies’ legal counsel are confident that “the ropey frog bastards will come to their senses…” but declined to comment further. John Connolly was tight-lipped noting that young lamb was made to be discreetly shagged not broiled and pickled in red wine with rabbit nosh. He was hopeful that his vice-captain would be released for the Wallabies clash against Wales on Saturday, adding that “George was always a bit hot-headed especially after a skinful of grog but what they did to that poor lamb was enough to annoy any red-blooded Aussie bloke.”
Gregan has declined to comment.

Sunday, 9 September 2007

An Invading Demon Story

An Invading Demon Story
by Paul Murray

A long time ago in a galaxy not so very far from this one there was a beautiful blue planet.
This planet, Homaz, had several continents which abounded with animal and plant life as well as a variety of clanspeople who lived in small villages all over this world.
Homaz had been created from the celestial wars of gods many millennia before this tale and now two opposing gods claimed sovereignty over the planet.
One god, the dark lord, Gavak held no love for the Noran plainspeople of the Dark Continent, Mavial. He looked upon them as a blight upon the face of the planet he had helped create. He wished only that they be eradicated and their lands possessed by the race of beings he himself had seeded – the warlike Bozars.
Gavak’s brother, Luciel, the progenitor of the Noran race, however, protected his loved ones and answered their prayers whenever they called. They were good, industrious people who lived harmoniously in the kingdom he had bequeathed them.
The Bozars on the other hand swept through foreign continents like a plague of locusts, claiming occupied territories for themselves and dividing the land among their warlords to rule over the local inhabitants with cruel intent.
They forced the laws of Gavak upon them and kept the vanquished in servility – sacrificing them as the whim took them.
These events caused enormous enmity between the brother gods, Gavak and Luciel who were locked in an eternal struggle for supremacy. Luciel wished peace and harmony for all on Homaz whereas Gavak wished only the dominion of the Bozars over all others. They sought to conquer all – land, sea and man – no matter the cost.
From time to time, upon petition from the inhabitants of Homaz, either Gavak or Luciel would send emissaries to answer the prayers of their followers.
Sometimes, however, one of the gods would send a chosen one, a walking spirit, just to find out how the people of Homaz were doing.
This story is about one of those times.

Luciel had sent a walking spirit, to Homaz. He simply appeared one night in a small Noran village. No one in the village could understand how the stockade perimeter had been breached and the stranger offered no explanation.
He was seen by a small boy who ran, shrieking to one of the village elders.
“I have seen a demon! I have seen a demon!” the small lad yelled in terror.
Sapien, the chief, heard the commotion and stormed out of his hut to investigate the clamour.
A crowd of people surrounded the strange visitor. They parted in unison as their revered chief moved forward.
The “demon” was unlike anyone they had ever seen before. He sat on the dry dust floor of the village, unmoving. Unlike their own, the stranger’s skin was pale, almost translucent and he had long, flowing white hair that cascaded over his shoulders like a waterfall.
Sapien touched his own crinkly mass of curls in an abstract manner. The stranger did likewise. Their eyes met – the coal black orbs of the Noran chief and the pale blue marbles of the visitor.
Sapien barked out an order to the gathered tribe. The word was quickly passed along until the spiritual elder was informed.
“We have a stranger in our midst. Come quickly.”
Mistre, the spiritual elder, shuffled from his hut as fast as his gnarled body would allow. Standing at his chief’s side, supported on the ceremonial staff of Luciel, he gazed in wonder at the pale stranger.
“Where did he come from?” Mistre said to no-one in particular.
“This boy saw him first,” said one of the villagers, pushing forward the wide-eyed youth who had sounded the panic.
Mistre touched the boy lightly on the head.
“Where did this man come from, lad?” he said.
“He fall from the sky,” gushed the boy. “He just falled from the sky…”
The stranger watched the interchange with interest and smiled.
“Who are you, stranger?” Mistre directed at him. His voice was forceful yet unaggressive.
“I have no name,” the stranger softly replied. The crowd took a pace backwards. That someone so strange should know their tongue was indeed unfathomable.
Sapien turned to his mage and spoke under his breath. “Do you think he is a demon? Do you think he means us any harm?”
“I do not know, lord chief but I shall conduct the invocation at once for the protection of the tribe,” Mistre replied.
Sapien nodded and the old man shuffled away to perform his duty.
The chief then turned to the stranger and beckoned him to rise and follow him.
The pale visitor rose, as if being lifted by a cushion of air, and followed the dark-skinned nobleman.
That was the way of things in those times. The Noran people were hesitant to strike out at that which was unknown to them until they had a better understanding of things. If it was a threat it would be dealt with most severely but in the meantime, the mage would invoke the spirits of the ancestors and long-sleeping warriors would be awakened to take their place in the tribe once more. If the visitor proved threatening, the warriors would despatch him at once.

It proved not to be so. Although the stranger could not explain his origins to the elders, he posed no threat. In fact, he was a fount of information. He told tales of lands beyond the seas that Noran people had only imagined in fable.
In a very short time, the stranger, who became known as Viram, had become part of the tribe. He had no home, had no memory of one and knew the tongue and the ways of the Noran as if he had been there all his life. In a sense that is exactly how it was for he was born at the moment Luciel placed him there in the village with the memories and faculties the god deemed he should require.
Viram integrated into the tribal culture and, in time, was given his own hut. He was, strangely, asexual and stranger still - had no need of food or water. He made no demands of anyone. He was just there.
But the ancestral warriors remained – just in case.
Village life went on as usual.
Then one day, not too long after Viram’s arrival, he simply disappeared.
Although there was talk about these mighty strange occurrences, the tribe went about their business just the same.
All that remained of the pale visitor’s presence was a vacant hut with a neat straw bed in it.
Very soon after Viram’s disappearance, another stranger arrived. This time though – he arrived from the south armour-clad, riding a snorting war-horse and brandishing a wicked blue titanium sword.
This stranger was also unlike anything the Noran had seen before. He was even darker than they, with flashing red eyes and the stature of a giant.
He was, indeed, a demon – an emissary of Gavak and a purveyor of destruction.
The Noran did not know this and thus greeted him at the stockade gate as they would any stranger to their village.
Sapien stood on the ramparts of the stockade and called down to him.
“Hello, stranger. What business brings you to these parts?”
“Oh, Noran chieftain,” the stranger boomed in reply, “I hear tell that you have been invaded by a demon. Another resides in your neighbouring village of Parduk making mischief and sowing discontent…”
Sapien’s ears pricked at his words. He had had no word of trouble at Parduk.
“A demon you say. We have no demon here, stranger unless you account for yourself in such a manner…”
The horseman laughed uproariously, spinning on his bucking steed as he did so.
“Who are those fine souls who stand alongside you, oh noble chief?” the stranger asked, pointing to the ancestral warriors with a flourish.
In truth, at the approach of the stranger, Mistre had invoked more warriors to be on hand in the event of any trouble.
Sapien bowed towards the stranger. “These are our ancestral protectors, sir. Warriors like yourself.”
“And what need do peace-loving herdsmen have of ancestral warriors?”
Sapien considered his response carefully. How had the stranger known of the other visitor? It was clear too he seemed to know the ways of the Noran just as Viram had.
Cautiously he replied: “We had a visitor here, yes. But he was no demon. It is the custom of our people to invoke the protection of our ancestors when all foreigners arrive unannounced…”
“Such as myself, good chief?”
“Such as yourself, good sir.”
“I have no quarrel with the Noran, chief. I wish only to help. Allow me into your stockade and I will present my bona-fides. I bring only protection with the might of my sword against the demons who threaten your villages.”
Sapien bade the stranger wait and convened a hurried conference with the village elders.
The counsel was divided. Six voted against allowing the stranger entry. Six voted the other way, arguing that he may have vital information about Viram and his agenda. It came down to Sapien’s casting vote.
He was suspicious of the dark warrior but not afraid. The warriors of his ancestors and Luciel’s grace had kept them secure for generations. He had faith in that.
He voted that they allow the stranger entry. It was the hospitable thing to do. They were a hospitable, trusting people after all.
The gate was opened and the black hooves of the horse thundered across the drawbridge like a summer storm.
The village was prepared to welcome the stranger into their midst for food and refreshment – an offer which he took up with gusto, quaffing large mugs of grain beer and wolfing near raw meat from the spinning carcasses on the spit.
Once the hospitality had been courteously extended to a degree where Sapien felt he had discharged his rightful duty, he asked the dark stranger about demons.
“Tell us, stranger, of this demon in our midst.”
The giant wiped his dripping whiskers with a club-like fist and fixed the assembly of elders with a penetrating stare.
“Your customs call for warriors to be summoned when foreigners invade – not so? I see many warriors all around me, good people. Not all for me I’d wager.”
“Granted,” Sapien said with a wry smile. “It is our way.”
“You say your visiting demon has gone and yet your warriors remain. Why is that, sir?”“It is our way, sir. They are one with the tribe now…”
The stranger made a dismissive snort and rose to stand in front of the assembly. “I put it to you, Noran folk that this demon remains in your midst – insidious and intent on despair.”
“But look around you. He is not here. He is gone and he was no demon,” Sapien said.
“Invisible to you perhaps,” the giant roared. “But I can smell him. He is here. And some of the villagers know it too. They conceal the beast.”
Sapien stood up now, disturbed by the turn of events. To accuse his people of subterfuge was an outrageous insult.
“Sir,” he said. “I must ask you to leave our village. We shall provide you shelter for this evening but I must ask you to be on your way at sunrise.”
The dark warrior guffawed at this remark and smashed a huge fist down on the table.
“You don’t seem to understand do you? I have a duty to discharge and that has been prescribed by powers beyond your understanding, Noran folk.
“I am here to protect you and for this I must have your co-operation.”
Sapien, even at full height, could not rise enough to meet the stranger’s eyes.
“Who sent you?” he said.
“My bona-fides,” the stranger growled, exposing a medallion from the folds of his chainmail robes. It was the crest of Gavak.
The elders gasped in horror.
Mistre stepped forward.
“We have no need of that foul blasphemy!” he yelled.
“Oh you have need of help, my friend,” the giant replied. “You had better pray for it.” And so saying, he drew his sword and struck in a single fluid movement. Sapien’s head lifted from his shoulders with the savagery of the blow, the chieftain’s body collapsing horribly into the salvers of meat before sliding onto the bench and the dusty floor below.
Women screamed, the ancestral warriors leapt forward engaging the terrible demon in mortal combat. Swords flashed and sparked, limbs parted from their torsos and blood erupted in plumes within the banqueting hut. Never before had any one man acquitted himself with such ferocity and deftness of hand. The ancestral warriors buckled like mown wheat as he hewed his way through their ranks.
Mistre shuffled away from the carnage as fast as his old legs would carry him. He stumbled into his hut and busied himself with incantations for the sake of their very survival. The stranger had been right – there was a demon in their midst but he was neither Viram nor invisible.
The old man struggled to keep his mouth moist as he mumbled the ancient invocations. It was to no avail. As quickly as the royal guard appeared, the demonic giant cut a swathe through them like a barque through a swell.
The ancestral warriors were lost to them. As realisation dawned, Mistre opened his eyes to face the horror at his door. The dark stranger filled the doorway, his eyes wild, his mouth curled into a snarl. The blood of warriors and innocents alike dripped from every part of his body. It ran in rivulets down his arms and gathered in pools on the floor of the mage’s hut. It was over.
Gavak’s charge growled as he approached the old man, now bowed in submission. He raised the sword, two-handed, over his head and slashed down with such force that Mistre was cleaved clean in two. Now there was no more chance of ancestral warriors being summoned to assist.
In a matter of hours, the tribe was cut to half its original number.
Within days, Taztak (for that was the demon’s name), had reduced the village to a dysfunctional gathering of automatons. They did his every bidding but were systematically despatched if it didn’t please him. His appetite for destruction was insatiable. It was his very purpose.
The stockade walls too had been breached. In the night, the opportunistic scavengers dragged helpless babes from huts, mothers wailing into the night after the sounds of cackling hyenas.
Taztak fed on despair and fear. It was what sustained him. The problem was there was no end to the overwhelming bloodlust. It consumed him.
Very soon all the men had been slaughtered. He feasted on their remains and tossed the offal to the circling vultures. Next went the boys until all that remained of the Noran community were the weakest – the women and children.
In less than a week they also met the fate of their loved ones, the last girl child skewered like a bug on a thorn.
The village was no more.
Taztak lit a firebrand and torched the huts as he saddled his war-horse. He had cured the village of its demon all right. He had done as bidden.
As the village blazed behind him, he realised that he had only just begun.
There were many villages ahead of him and they all imagined they had a demon somewhere. When he had coerced them into allowing him in under the pretext of aiding them, they would soon find out who the real demon was.

Within a few days, he crested the hills of Rolak to gaze down on the village of Parduk. Smoke wafted from cooking fires and the general air about the place was one of welcoming innocence.
He knew that Luciel had sent a spirit-walker to this village too. It was ripe for the plucking. Now just to turn the recent stranger into incumbent demon…
The ritual was the same. He spun on the snorting horse while the chieftain hailed him from the ramparts asking him his business.
“I bring you sad news from the village of Rashuk, noble chief,” the demon called.
“How so, stranger? What news of Rashuk?”
“A demon has destroyed that beautiful village I quiver to inform you.”
“A demon?”
“A demon, good chief. A demon such as the one who until recently has been residing in your village with your very own blessing.”
“What are you talking about, man?” the chief asked.
“Don’t tell me that all those ancestral warriors were summoned just for little old me – an emissary of the sacred word and all that is worthy in the name of Luciel.”
The villagers bowed their heads at the mention of their god’s name.
“The last stranger was no demon,” the chief said.
“Then why the protection?”
“It is our custom.”
“Ah yes, your custom. But if there is no threat then what need of warriors?”
“I told you, stranger. It is our custom. They are one with the tribe once summoned. Only a new threat may despatch these warriors. It is neither within my power nor my desire to do such a thing.”
Taztak was becoming agitated at the old man’s resilience.
“I am bound by my calling to offer protection to the plains people of Mavial – protection from the invisible demons that pervade your villages and lands.”
“We have no demon, sir. I thank you but we must decline.”
Taztak snarled, his horse rearing at the sound.
“Can you explain to me where that stranger came from then chief? Or why he was here? Or why he disappeared? Your own actions speak of a threat. Your warriors verify it.”
“We shall deal with our own problems thank you. Good luck with your crusade, sir and goodbye.”
Taztak howled his displeasure, rage rising in him like magma in a crater.
“You fools!” he shrieked. “You worthless fools! You shall pay for this. You shall pay with your lives!”
“I think not, sir,” the chief replied and turned on his heel from the conversation. It was over.
Taztak was powerless. There was no uncertainty or fear here upon which to feed. He could not fuel his lust for destruction. He would perish were he to try.
And so the tiny village of Parduk thrived, its ancestral warriors on hand to deal with any opportunistic or passing threat. The pale stranger’s hut remained empty, as if in anticipation of his return one day. But he never returned.
When the stockade walls crumbled or got damaged the villagers mended them. When marauding tribes laid siege to their village, the spiritual elder summoned ancestral warriors aplenty, many of whom were sacrificed in their defensive endeavour.
But the evil Taztak never returned with his duplicitous treachery.
The Noran had learned from the sacrifice of Rashuk. It is not certain how they found out but you can be sure that a spirit-walker had something to do with it.
This was the way of things back then.
And to tell you the truth – not much has changed at all.

Thursday, 6 September 2007

SOUTH AFRICAN IDOLS/IDLES...
















SA IDOLS

Ben Elton recently parodied the whole Pop Idols phenomenon in his caustic, satirical, very funny book, CHART THROB and to be frank - I'm not surprised..
With Elton there is no escape: the character traits of the judges are all there in glorious Yechnocolour even if they are agglomerated morphs of the real individuals. Did I say real?
And that's the whole point of the book. There is no real thing.
The whole screaming match, as in SA Idols, is a bogus, contrived, ersatz, manipulated stage show that bears little resemblance to reality through meticulously staged and edited footage interspersed with Colin Moss voice-overs to help elevate the drama.
The simple mathematics relative to (even the SA version of) the event would place the judging panel in audition-service for years if they were to listen to every single applicant on the list, then ponder still further over their fate.
It simply cannot happen that way but that's certainly the way it's sold. After all, as Elton says: "It's great telly!"
Then one wonders at the theatrics of the judging panel themselves and the gossamer nature of the egos involved, ironically combined with rhino-hide attitudes when Gareth or Randall think they are being upstaged by a godawful singer or someone with enough chutzpah to bite back just a little.
What would really make great telly is a disgruntled contestant/victim striding up to Randall and planting a Mitchell's Plain knuckle sandwich in his condescending, overbearing gob. This who-knows-where-he came-from (or even gives a toss) working-man's clone of Simon Cowell, without any of the conceptual talent of the original, is about as entertaining as toothache on a Friday night. Attempting the sardonic vitriole is all very well but not when it comes out as petulant wank as it most certainly does in Randall's case.
Additionally: what, for example, is Cliff's claim to fame other than being an excruciatingly boring radio jock with a very tired style of delivery exacerbated by a nasal whine? His presence and behaviour on Idols is as predictable as teenage morning erections. Any spunky young gal with even half a voice engenders in him instant saccharin sentimentality and gravitas as he expounds lyrical on her potential stardom if her motives and passion are true. Which is rich coming from him when you can literally see the lecherous twinkle in his eyes as they rove over fresh, ripe young flesh.

He is almost as creepy as that wild-eyed Vodacom meerkat thing. Almost.
And Mara, God bless her. She lights up like a US incursion into nighttime Baghdad when a young black person, with a hint of something (or other - usually beyond my own powers of discernment), steps up to be evaluated. Lapsing into Kwaito vernacular, she praises up the Luther Vandross/Whitney Houston wannabees with words of wisdom and encouragement that only she understands. Conversely,with the same dismissive gestures often adopted by naughty little Randy, she scythes down stuttering aspirants like a shiny black combined harvester. And it may be my imagination but she seems a tad racially biased in her assessment of what's hot and what's not. Although being married to a whitey once upon a time, maybe she's just overcompensating. Who knows? At least she can sing. And if the judging panel outtakes are anything to go by - she's the only one.
And that brings us to Dave.
The only member of the panel who isn't trying to impress us with the proclaimed knowledge and wisdom of his compatriots. Dave is just - well, Dave. And that's truly refreshing.
I can watch and listen to Dave for a while, much more than I can stomach the others. But I can only take so much of the whole grisly package - the amplification of personal pain for tv gain, the dashing of dreams, the freak-show circus as the desperate hopefuls expose their souls only to have them shattered by the barbs and insults fired at them from the safety of the judges' desk.
Though many of the assessments may be true, I sincerely hope the failure of people in this comic cattle show only serves to fortify their resolve to make something of their lives (even if it isn't crooning in front of thousands of bubble-headed adolescents).
To have the balls to do what these victims do on public tv earns them my unswerving admiration.
God bless (in Elton’s words) “the singers, mingers, blingers and clingers”. They have something that most of us don't – courage (no matter how misguided in some instances).
To have tried and (supposedly) failed in the view of Randy, Gareth and crew makes them much bigger people than the self aggrandising tossers who sit in judgement of them.


Friday, 31 August 2007

THE HO-RATIO



CSI My and Me, Me, Me, Me, Me – the HO-Ratio

I Googled: “I hate Horatio Cane” and got 34,800 results.
This didn’t surprise me, I have to admit.
God, Chuck Norris and Horatio Caine (Cane?) are all in the same league – only I don’t really hate God – I’ve never met Him yet – well not in a form that I can consciously recall. Besides, God is usually too busy supporting Blue Bulls rugby to waste His time with saps like me…
And believe me – I’ve given Horatio a full go. With the fantastic advent of PVR’s in this decade, I’ve taken to selectively recording the programmes that I really want to watch. And was CSI on that list? Yeah, I guess it kinda was for a while.
Grissom, y’see, had launched the CSI ship and his crew were an accessible and likeable bunch to my mind. I could even put up with Gary Sinise’s wooden style in the New York version of the show but when confronted with Horatio and his blonde sidekick with the Canadian accent (? – y’know words like home, road, boat etc. just don’t come out right) – I found myself cringing more than I had ever done through any single episode of The Office. Difference being, The Office styled itself on its cringe factor and made compelling watching - a testament to the genius of Ricky Gervais. But CSI Miami was taking itself seriously and the Ho-Ratio was something I’d never experienced before.
What’s up with that hands-on-the-hips-head-cocked-to-one-side-sunglassy-whisper he’s got going? I mean, Chuck Norris wishes he was Horatio Caine. Ho just assumes the position and delivers the whisper in his all-seeing, all-knowing, harbinger of criminal doom style that involves so much less exertion than a screech-accompanied roundhouse kick up the side of the head.
It’s a wonder the casting director didn’t spurn Morgan Freeman in the God role for Bruce Almighty. If he’d just watched one episode of CSI Miami, he’d have known right there and then the Almighty Incarnate was on the Florida set in the personage of one David Caruso and He fancied Himself as an actor.
The problem is, of course, that God can’t act worth toffee and should really stick to sorting out Universal catastrophes like GW Bush, global warming and Reality TV – stuff He’s qualified to deal with.
I mean He created all of that stuff (although I think GW and probably most politicians are the handiwork of Lucifer, who on second thought was God’s creation anyway so I guess He still has to assume responsibility for it all…)
It would probably explain why the whole planetary shooting match is going to hell if God/David spends so much time on the set of CSI Miami perfecting that terminally annoying fucking acting style(?)
I thought it might just be me until I did the Google thing and found verbose invectives in abundance on the Internet – collective souls who really couldn’t get through an episode of this crud without deleting it from the PVR or pacing up and down outside, contemplating taking up serial-killing (starting with the cast of CSI Miami) or at the very least starting to chain-smoke rather than facing Ho-Ratio's raisin-rumpled visage on the small screen.
I have a theory on David’s sullen, sombre thespian methodology: if he had to crack a smile, I reckon his face would get so lost in the wrinkled, desiccated skin created by this new expression that he’d never be able to revert back to the omnipotent husky sneer without radical surgery or something.
Horatio’s fizhog is the antithesis of Botox expressionlessness and it’s only his fear of moving too many facial muscles around that prevents any meaningful nuances from emerging. Hence his monotonous, monosyllabic delivery, dripping condescension and nauseating screen presence - a combination that makes you wanna just up and trash the tv to be rid of it...
The turtleneck in Ho’s case is no sweater, of course, it’s his actual wrinkly, freckly neck poking out from the oversized shirt collars, themselves encased in dubiously styled suits that look like Sonny Crockett rejects from the 80’s…
Being of the ginger type hair colour myself (but thankfully no actor), I ponder over the correlation between this pigmentation (Caruso, Norris et-al) and the abysmal acting abilities that accompany it. Is it mere coincidence or is it some cosmic law that ginger-haired men are always going to be fucking atrociously annoying actors?
I don’t know.
But you can rest assured that I will never tempt fate in this regard. I, for one, don’t suffer from a God complex.
Now go and do something useful while I practice my tap-dancing routine on the swimming pool…in readiness for my next audition…