Paul

Paul

SMILEYSKULL

SMILEYSKULL
Half the story is a dangerous thing

DISCLAIMER

All content on this blog is the copyright © of Paul Murray (unless noted otherwise / reposts etc.) and the intellectual property is owned by him, however, the purpose of this forum is to share the content with all who dare to venture here.
The subject matter is adult in nature so those who are easily offended, misunderstand satire, or are generally too uptight to have a good time or even like who they are, it's probably a good idea to leave now.
Enjoy responsibly...

Tuesday 30 December 2008

THE DEVIL WEARS PARIS HILTON PERFUME




You want to do someone a favour? Don't do it - just don't do it!
My New Year's resolution - fuck em all!
We have a house full of guests ranging from the great-granny to the great-grannychildren and obviously there's a teenager in the mix somewhere - of course there is!
This one, Pearl (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=1174333234) dresses up like Paris Hilton to go bush walking and will not go to the toilet without putting on make-up. She's developed thumbs like irradiated gherkins from MXIT intercourse (that means conversation, Pearl) and after two days away from civilisation (read: staying in Magaliesburg) she gets Mall withdrawal, a malady that can be likened to heroin cold-turkey where the addict becomes irrational, sweats uncontrollably, resorts to verbal abuse and profanity in desperate attempts to have the drug of choice served up.
Well, being the soft-hearted pussycat that I am, I succumbed to the wiles of the pretty Pearl as she fluttered her eyelids and abused her mother just one time too many.
"Okay, Godammit!" I was heard to croon lovingly, "I'll take you to the fucking mall, you little ingrate!"
Honestly, it didn't sound as bad as it looks in print...
So, after an hour and a half of tonsorial teasing, cosmetic pastiche and the fumigation by teen-fragrance of every square millimetre of her waiflike body, we were all ready to venture forth from the harsh wilderness of Magaliesburg to the Jerry Springer breeding ground of Krugersdorp and more specifically the Key West Mall.
Now the fact that the inhabitants of this mall only learned to walk upright that very morning and have as much in common with Pearl as a juvenile Cambodian refugee has with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the place boasted the epithet: MALL and that was enough for our MXIT minx. It may have been a really poor grade of mall but she was strapping up the arm, puffing out the veins and ready for an almost lethal injection of Key West.
So I dropped her and her mom at Entrance 4 - oh yeah I forgot to mention the other significant trait of our city-slicking teenager: anything that walks the earth that isn't on a leash, wearing a bell or served up with fries and ketchup is deemed to be a threat to humanity (and especially to Pearl) even more so than Global Warming (if you buy into that pish)
Yes, despite the voluminous research conducted by arachnologists, herpetologists, entomologists and zoologists per-se recording the retiring nature of almost all arachnids, reptiles, insects and small mammals, Pearl would have us believe that there are new, malicious toad species endemic to the Magalies region (localised in the family room of our home, in fact) that have one singular desire: to abduct her and subject her to the most unspeakable cruelty involving just actually being there and looking um well like totally gross. The accompanying screams at the sight of a little toad on an evening feeding foray or an errant moth that may flutter within 2 metres of the teenager are enough to curdle milk at five hundred paces. So the thought of this little wuss being left alone in a strange mall in the middle of the "wild West" was but an episode of madness. Of course mom would have to go with...
Having safely desposited my charges at the mall, I proceeded to fulfill the real mission quest: to purchase (from the only open Midas Spares store that had stock) a pair of hydraulic arms for the rear door of my bakkie. Why not - we'd just paid the thing off and Doris (my bakkie) deserved to be rendered pristine. Yeah right - read on.
It was all proceeding famously - I was popular with the teenage contingent of the menagerie, I had found a supplier open in the holidays and I got to take a break from the festive (but chaotic) home environment for a short while.
Then without warning as is the nature of a wife remembering shit she forgot to tell her husband prior to leaving home, my cellphone rang just as I was approaching the side junction at which I was to turn.
I looked down to the mobile (my hands-free was in the other car and needed recharging). I picked it up. I looked up. The road was clear (wasn't it?). I had already crossed the median line but then - oh my God - a Ford Sierra appeared from nowhere and was skidding toward me. I could do nothing but a bunny in the headlight impression - which I did pretty well as the oncoming car slewed and squealed toward me then collided with the front right hand corner of the bakkie with the usual horrible crunch that goes with arse-snatching and the helplessness of these moments.
I casually told my wife that I had just had an accident and would call her back then vacated the vehicle to see if the occupants of the other car were okay.
They were, the driver volubly so, indignant and threatening at first but as soon as I admitted fault, he seemed to deflate like an erection when your mum catches you having a wank.
His car: to put it technically - fucked and undrivable. Mine: I managed to drive it to the parking bays outside the Midas store where I scrutinised the damage. The right front wheel assembly was pushed back and damaged to a degree where the car could only be driven in a straight line, anything involving turning graunched the tyre against the inside of the wheel arch. Undrivable.
The usual formalities were concluded and when attempting to console the wife of the elderly driver, herself a frail-looking Afrikaans tannie resplendent in crimplene and nylon and seated on the grass verge, I was told in no uncertain terms that this horrible deed was all Satan's doing.
I was immediately in two minds at that vehement pronouncement wondering if a) I should recant my previous admission of culpability and suggest we both claim against the Prince of Darkness' insurers - Hellfire Provident or somesuch firm or b) tell her she was still in shock and the real culprit was Pearl who had guilted me into taking her to the mall to silence the falsetto mall withdrawal whingeing...the consequence of which had brought me to this very intersection at this very time. If I'd been going directly to Midas, I reasoned, I wouldn't have been at this intersection at this time and the accident would have been avoided. Damn that Black Pearl! (Sounds like a line from Pirates of the Caribbean)
Upon further reflection and registering the obviously fragile demeanour of the traumatised tannie, I opted to maintain my guilt and assured her that if Satan had been involved we'd probably all be dead and holding hands in a barque as we were escorted across the Styx. This seemed to totally fly over her blue-rinsed and curled head so I let it be.
If she wanted the devil to be the bad guy - then hey - who was I to stand in the way of that?
Even when someone puts up their hand and shoulders the responsibility for something - the Godfearing folk of our fair world brush this aside in favour of the unseen. Mystery seems so much more appealing than some red-headed git in glassed claiming to be the culprit. Fuck that!
Tis true - the devil must work in mysterious ways - ask Pearl - for according to her, he has trained demonic amphibians to torment her in the hellfire of Magaliesburg for what must seem like an absolute eternity - well the Christmas hols to be exact..
But it's hard not to believe in the existence of the Prince of the Pit especially when one looks at the current level of teenage communication that abdicates any actual verbal discourse, or we take stock of the current generation's value system based on McDonald's, branded clothing and cloned pop stars.
There was a fleeting moment when Pearl spoke with me about matters of spirit but then as soon as the Mall juice hit her veins, the headphones hit her ears, both thumbs assumed their MXIT position on either side of her cellphone and I realised that this was the portrait of the new world.
Better the devil you know...

Friday 3 October 2008

YouTube - Frank Zappa on David Letterman, 10-31-83

YouTube - Frank Zappa on David Letterman, 10-31-83

if you do nothing in your life - watch some of Zappa's thoughts, insights and interviews on YouTube - man - my only regret has to be never having seen this dude live...

COBEY (FERGIE) THE GAS-PIPE PAINTER


This requires a small introduction:

first - it is intended in good spirits and humour as the butt of this lampoon was repeatedly nominated and victorious in the questionable BEAR OF THE YEAR contest through the eighties and nineties here in Johannesburg and other exotic regions.
One can read more on this and other matters in a soon-to-be-published novel cryptically entitled (The first book of) PRANA - a partially semi-autobiographical tale of shock, horror, humour and human endeavour - with some angels and demons thrown in for good measure. (Fuck, if it worked for Dan Brown then why not...)
The antihero of this rhyme fell from grace (as it were - and probably a few other dodgy tarts to boot - or old boots or whatever) and the bottle got the better of him in the latter stages of his career hence the reference to the lush.
As for gas pipes - these refer to fire suppression system piping which our hero probably never painted in his life - although he did install fire suppression systems (although the efficaciousness of said systems remains highly debatable to this day).
And so we have the lampoon:(PS - COBEY COULD BE INTERCHANGEABLE WITH FERGIE - WHY NOT - and I have nothing against the Red Devils per-se but being an ardent Chelsea supporter - the dig at Man Utd just happens to coincide with the fact that the poem's antihero was [and indeed probably still is] a fanatical Man U supporter to a ridiculous degree - I'm presuming Fergie is much the same thing)


COBEY (FERGIE) THE GAS-PIPE PAINTER

(Sung to the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer)

Cobey, the gas-pipe painter
Couldn’t hold a steady brush
And all the other painters
Said he was a fucking lush!
Each day around ten thirty
He would disappear for tea
But the other gas-pipe painters
Knew it was a dram or three.

Then one Tuesday afternoon
He downed a bottle full
Cobey with your slurry tongue
How’ll you reach the topmost rung?

So all the pipes were painted
Red and drippy everywhere
All on the piping brackets
And even in the pisscat’s hair
Cobey the gas-pipe painter
Said it was deliberate
Coz now the red and white bits
Looked like Man U’s latest kit

When he painted nozzles closed
He got his last red card
Cobey won’t say he was fired
He tells us all he just retired

So the moral of the story
Revolves around the colour red
All you dodgy Man U lovers
Need a bullet in the head
Ronaldo is a fucking wanker
Rooney might as well lay bricks
The strip should be a pack of condoms
Coz that’s what people put on pricks!

Saturday 20 September 2008

GLOBAL DECEPTION - OH AND ZUMA!!



Following on from the article: Contrived Shortages and the New Reality by Texe Marrs (Biophile 23), I have been conscious of contrived scenarios meted out by “authorities” under the mantle of scientific or technically endorsed hyperbole.
And none are closer to home than the HIV-Aids scam, the ESKOM scam and one of my personal favourites - the Zuma sleight-of –hand manoeuvre.
I know the HIV = Aids hypothesis has been covered in Biophile before and it’s a subject I’ve studied over the last decade with growing horror – not at the “spread” of the “pandemic” but rather at the spread of the perception created through the pharmaceutical industry and the media, of this contrived virus and its alleged un-virus like behaviour.
From Robert Gallo’s orchestrated pronouncement to the world of his discovery of the virus related to the AIDS phenomenon in 1984 (later retracted by him although scarcely highlighted by the beneficiaries of the AIDS industry) to the spurious “AIDS test”, that has nothing to do with finding a virus, to the manipulated “infection statistics” and on and on. For the benefit of readers unfamiliar with this mega-billion dollar venture, perhaps an enlightening summary would be Clark Baker’s independent article on the subject entitled HIV, AIDS  Gallo’s Egg, viewable here - a quite compelling read.

Being associated with the power industry in this country as a Data Centre infrastructure consultant and solutions architect, I am much closer to the totally unbelievable scenario contrived and spun to the SA public regarding the critical power shortages, under-capacity availability and a whole convoluted chapter on coal that is as impenetrable as it is daft. The coal reserves weren’t soaked by water – they were saturated by bullshit - period.
While it is true that there are serious energy problems in this country, the exercise we’ve just experienced was nothing short of national deception and it was purely and simply about that old mass-manipulator’s trick of problem-reaction-solution. While I regard much of David Icke’s work with a healthy pinch of scepticism (the only way to live, I think), he has the problem-reaction-solution paradigm 100% spot-on.
And another truism is the strategy of containing the truth within the spin being dispensed but masking it so cleverly that it is virtually impossible to discern the fact from the fiction as it all intermingles like a morass of knotted fishing line complete with nasty hooks.
The ESKOM story was about money and a need to hike up the power tariffs substantially. By the supplier’s own admission the billing model it had wheeled into motion decades back was based on erroneous factors and made no proper allowance for realistic maintenance and upgrade costs in this model hence our wonderfully cheap electricity up to that point. With the advent of the emerging mass power consumer and the need for capacity upgrades, costly (previously ignored) maintenance of existing infrastructure as well as the massive salary structure in play within the executive hierarchy of the corporation, ESKOM simply needed more money to do what it does. And what better way to contrive our reliance on power than by making it unavailable or erratically available at best and by launching a countrywide campaign to highlight the crisis in which we found ourselves. Thus the PROBLEM was created.
Phase 2 – REACTION. The public were outraged at the under-capacity, at the inconvenience, at the projected tenure of this problem and over time amid the thundering protests, we eventually acknowledged that perhaps we aught to be using electricity more wisely or simply less of it while it was clear that money had to come from somewhere (read: the taxpayer) to begin the upgrade process. We began to get used to managing our lives around the black-outs, the traffic congestion caused by robot outages, the additional expense of running households off standby generator supplies etc. But this all smacked of third-world infrastructure and the spectre of socio-economic collapse loomed large in our subconscious especially given the unfathomable “foreign policy” our government accorded our troubled northern neighbour. Hell, we didn’t want to go down that road.
Phase 3 – SOLUTION. In a nutshell – ESKOM asked for more money and they had been banging on about a 52% rate increase through the currency of the crisis. We were even more appalled but had now steeled ourselves for some form of increase, praying fervently to the national power regulator (who also works for the same boss as ESKOM by the way) that they would reject this ridiculous increase out of hand. After all it was ESKOM who’d failed to get their business model correct, plan capacity or maintain their systems but who had somehow managed to make a desperate public feel guilty about the way it used electricity as if we were complicit in having created the problem.
Result: a 17% rate increase is announced and we collectively sigh with relief as if we’ve been handed a generator-driven olive branch.
However, if we’d been asked to pay 17% more at the outset of the “crisis”, we’d have been appalled and told ESKOM to take a hike. They’d had a substantial rate increase not that long before the crisis.
So through clever manipulation – we’d been played to feel grateful for a “small” increase in our electricity tariff. Brilliant. Insidious but brilliant.
And how many serious outages have you experienced since the rate increase was accepted and through the high-demand winter months? Interestingly, virtually none.
Summary: we’re probably using electricity more frugally than before, have a little generator on hand just in case (import benefits to government), are paying 17% more for this and the real capacity can now be managed and upgraded with some breathing space. Only – let’s see how well our energy ministry manages the future of this and sustainability in new solutions. I remain sceptical.

Then there’s Jacob Zuma – good old Zuma without whom, Zapiro’s life would be a lot less colourful.
Readers should read Judge Chris Nicholson’s summation of the latest in this saga here
On the face of it – a totally unsurprising outcome and the focus is now squarely shifted from the issue of Zuma’s alleged wrongdoing to the procedural inconsistencies of the NPA and the resultant nullification of the due process.
Regardless of this, it certainly makes one wonder over the smoke & mirrors surrounding the Scorpions when perhaps the media (and indeed ourselves) should have been scrutinising the deeds and doings of the NPA to ensure that the process had no possibility of being thwarted. Nice sleight of hand don’t you think! Orchestrated perhaps or just coincidence?
I said to my wife not long ago that to avoid becoming lumped into the same category as Zim in the eyes of a watching world, the ANC had to be seen to be following the dictates of the constitution and its judiciary and Zuma had to be brought before a judge. However, I went on, he will get off scot-free through some technicality or other! And me with no crystal ball at all!
Anyone who imagined for one moment that Zuma would succumb to the same fate as that scapegoat Shaik is living in a different SA from the one I occupy.
Watch that particular space and don’t be surprised…by anything.
One thing worth considering – he may turn out to be a more moderate president than we think and in the eyes of Africa, I think we’ll get more mileage out of him than Mbeki. Just remember, although publicly he and Mbeki have to be seen as opposing one another, they are not only struggle comrades but co-conspirators/beneficiaries of the arms deal (in my and millions of other South Africans’ view). The ANC will trundle on regardless and the businesses that run the country will prevail. Oh yes, and Zille’s DA will roar like a toothless tiger in the background…

And in conclusion – if a politician is moving his lips he is perhaps being disingenuous to some degree – it simply goes with the territory. And as Mr Marrs illustrates in his article (Biophile 23) the UN seeks to control our means to grow, buy and distribute food – surprise, surprise.
In the same way – Mr Al Gore has been paid to travel the world dispensing another perception contrived for the manipulation of the masses – i.e.Global Warming. Now don’t scream me down, please. I am not saying that we shouldn’t be ecologically more responsible nor that we shouldn’t look to sustainable energy systems and smaller “carbon footprints” but for goodness sake – the Earth has gone through these climatic cycles for millennia and (as with any other scientific debate) there are compelling arguments from both sides of the fence.
What is of substantially more significance is the simple fact that (as with Mbeki and Zuma) Gore and Bush are actually brothers-in-arms and now that the global population (currently being raped by GW and his cronies with the oil price and fossil-fuel based technologies) has accepted that we require a solution to the “crisis” (PROBLEM), this gives the same cabal of manipulators the time and space to establish themselves as the saviours with the managed and phased introduction of hybridised and sustainable technologies in favour of the old stuff at an even higher price than we were paying before. The economy will tick over without any collapse as it gets carefully manoeuvred through the transition.
And we will sit back wondering what the next crisis will be and how much we’re going to pay for it.
Ce’st la vie…

Monday 17 March 2008

SEEKERS SUCKS - PAY NOW FRY LATER

NOT TAHITI BUT BREAK OUT THE SNORKELS ANYWAY!

Picture the scene: we’ve been in Australia for two weeks, having spent time with my family paying final respects to the memory of my younger brother who passed away a year ago, and now we are finally at Sydney Airport to catch our flight to Tahiti for our dream honeymoon. The emotion of the compassionate part of the trip is over – we are finally heading toward paradise.

It gets a little tense as the check-in clerk points out that our combined luggage weight is around 55kg. We patiently explain that we have already made an arrangement through their offices to have the limit upped to 60kg. She checks the computer screen and acknowledges that this is the case. We relax.
“But,” she continues, “you will have to pay excess for this bag anyway…” (she points to the moulded blue plastic case)
I tense up. I am confused.
“Why?” I ask plaintively. “The total weight of our bags is fifty five kilos. It’s less than the allowable maximum.”
“Yes,” she says, “but the maximum permissible weight per item is twenty five kilograms! This bag is thirty kilograms.”
I look at her incredulously then at my new wife with an expression that says: is this woman kidding or what? The blue case reposes defiantly on the scale in silence refusing to budge.
“Baggage over twenty five kilos,” she says patiently, “is considered too heavy and potentially dangerous to handle.”
“Well how much is the excess cost?” I ask with barely concealed frustration, imagining the wimpy Aussie baggage handlers who can’t manage a measly 30kg suitcase.
“It will be around twenty dollars a kilo,” she says. The mental calculation is instantaneous - $100 at the (then) exchange rate of R6.50 to the Aussie dollar is R650! That’s ridiculous, (especially as I know the case isn’t likely to get any lighter on our travels and the Rand is hardly poised to strengthen).
“What’s the answer?” I ask.
The check-in clerk looks at me with a practised professional smile and suggests we buy another bag and distribute the load between three bags to avoid the excess costs. I check my watch. We have enough time. Exhaling like a Pamplona bull after a heavy day at the charge, I heft the offending blue case off the scale and reload the baggage trolley, smiling comfortingly at Karen.
“Let’s do it,” I hiss and stride purposefully toward the luggage shop half a kilometre down the departures concourse.
The purchase is swift and it’s only $35 (R230). We then sit on a bench and redistribute the load across the three bags and head back confidently to the check-in counter. The clerk had had the decency to concede that we needn’t queue again – just come back and recheck the bags.
The bags are loaded – all legitimately under the magical back-breaking borderline of 25kg each – beautiful!
I am now grinning at Karen as the excitement of the island trip hits me again. Then within the space of just one sentence (it could have been construed as a prison sentence), our dreams and hopes are smashed into a million pieces.
“Where are your visas?” the check-in clerk asks.
I dig deep within myself looking to find some sign that this woman is kidding after the luggage saga.
“We haven’t got visas,” I respond, “We were told we didn’t need them for Tahiti on a South African passport. It’s part of France…”
The check-in clerk’s face folds into a frown. “I’m sorry – that’s not the case…” she gestures to a senior staff member who bustles officiously over to where we are standing. The situation is swiftly explained. The supervisor is scrutinising our passports as if the visas will miraculously appear from the ether with the correct degree of encouragement like an enchantment from a Harry Potter spell book.
Karen’s body language has diminished her diminutive stature even further; she is shrinking into herself as I see the dismay descending over her. Her eyes are brimming with tears.
“We were told by our travel agent we didn’t need visas,” I repeat. Karen says the same thing. “We asked them three times,” she says as if that will convince the woman that they must somehow be mistaken.
The supervisor is curt and sharp with her response: “All South African travel agents know a visa is required for your passports to French Polynesia.” She takes in our glazed expressions.
“It’s part of the Schengen agreement,” she adds as if that clarifies everything. I am standing there feeling like I am being lectured by an old-school headmistress. My wife is shrinking before my eyes. I can feel a mixture of disappointment, anger and frustration welling up in me as my project-manager mind goes into top gear. It’s Saturday; it’s also Australia Day – 26th January so that means anything that is usually open today won’t be. South Africa is nine hours behind us and I don’t think I have the travel agents’ emergency numbers. We’re screwed.
And as that thought crystallises in my mind, Karen erupts. She begins to sob over her hand luggage as if her dearest friend had just died. I move to her side and extend a hand.
The school mistress suddenly warms. She can feel our desperation. The tears have flicked a switch.
“Isn’t there anything you can do?” I ask. “Can’t we get hold of passport control in Tahiti and arrange emergency visas or something?” I am reaching. I don’t know what else to do. I hug my wife and hold her against me, the sobs thudding thick and hot into my chest.
Schoolmarm smiles and nods then spins toward another staff member holding a phone. A call is made and we can almost discern a muted one-sided conversation across the distance between us. She returns but she isn’t smiling.
“I’m sorry,” she begins. “There’s nothing they can do… I’m sorry…”
Karen’s body racks with more intensity as the inevitability of our predicament hits us both. We’re not going to Tahiti. Certainly not today in any event.

The sympathy from the Tahiti-Nui airline staff is palpable as we make our despondent way toward the ground floor and the hotel-reservation and car-hire kiosks. Their sympathy is appreciated but it changes nothing.


After rehiring a car and arranging accommodation through Sydney Visitor Centre, we drive back to Sydney city and book into the hotel; Potts Point Holiday Inn. I check my laptop for emergency numbers for Seekers Travel in Fourways but find nothing and have to revert to sending an email to Robyn Barrett, the multiple-award winning travel consultant who has yet to show her true colours in this saga. It is, after all, Saturday and they will be working in South African later on. I mentally commit to phoning there later at the appropriate time.

In the meantime, we try to piece together our shattered day, and as it is a festive time in Australia, we decide to watch the fireworks display down at Darling Harbour with the hundreds of thousands of Aussies who have swarmed to the city for the occasion. The loss of my wallet after the fireworks results in even more sobbing and despair but miraculously it’s found and returned to me after a late-night search on the roof of a multi-storey car park. It is all too much.
When we get back to the hotel, exhausted and emotionally drained from the day and after I have spoken to Robyn, who is clearly not good under pressure as she has referred me to her senior, Mary-Ann Goddard; I see there is a response from Mary-Ann. She is suggesting an alternative to our predicament which takes us to Easter Island via Santiago (Chile) and not via Tahiti as was originally planned. While we are in Easter Island, she commits to assisting us with obtaining the necessary visas for Tahiti “if you (we) are spending time in Tahiti” which we clearly are. The one-night stopover in Tahiti en-route to Easter Island was merely a convenience booking in order to coordinate a connection with a group of people with whom we were rendezvousing for a workshop. After the Easter Island leg we were scheduled to return to Tahiti for the remainder of the workshop and an island wedding ceremony as well as a week’s honeymoon surrounded by coral lagoons on this volcanic atoll in the Pacific.

None of it happens though. The following day, Sunday 27th, we return to Sydney Airport, return the hire car and confirm the booking with Qantas who run Lan Airlines (the principle Chilean airline) operation there. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately in the scheme of things), Seekers hasn’t been able to make the payment for this trip - only to book it. This strikes me as odd but when I see the price I begin to realise that Seekers seems to be ducking any form of financial commitment whatsoever. As yet we have received no recompense and I am now being asked to fork out AU$9,300 for these tickets, some R60, 000! This is for one-way tickets only between Sydney-Santiago-Easter Island! Unbelievable!
Karen looks desperate again. “What shall we do?” she asks.
“I tell you what,” I say. “I’ll let the gods decide. I’ll try and pay for this on both my credit cards and if it goes through then we’re meant to go. If it doesn’t, we’re not and …um…well…we’ll have to book back into a hotel…”
She looks at me and nods. “Ok,” she says, “fair enough.”
We try. No luck. It isn’t happening.

By now Europcar and the staff at the Sydney Visitors’ Centre are getting to know us quite well and I’m sure I could conduct guided tours of Sydney Airport. We rehire a car yet again and explain our sorry predicament to Jenny at SVC and she books us in at the Old Sydney Holiday Inn at The Rocks.

There is nothing left to do but wait until Tuesday (Monday is a public holiday due to the Australia Day event) and try our luck at the French Consulate General in downtown Sydney. In the meantime, we kick back and take turns at breaking down over this debacle. With the previous scenario (flying via Santiago to Easter Island) we would have crossed the date line and would have ironically ended up on the same flight with the tour group that were travelling from Chile, and missed nothing of the workshop. What wasn’t guaranteed, of course, was the Tahiti leg as this relied on obtaining visas, while we were in Easter Island, to allow us entry to complete our workshop and honeymoon. Given the debacle through Seekers thus far, we weren’t absolutely convinced this would happen.
Tuesday arrives and the visit to the French CG yields nothing, they aren’t interested in our case, our pleading, the fact that we are on honeymoon – nothing! There is no such thing as an emergency visa and the standard visa will take 2 weeks to issue (potentially longer) in which case our honeymoon is over. We are simply devastated and Karen remains heart-brokenly numb for a few days.
I have made no mention of the other factors that Seekers failed to deliver during this “dream” excursion of ours which are namely:



  • Robyn discovered that the flights she had booked from Sydney to Tahiti were actually on the wrong dates. There were no flights on the dates appearing on the tickets. Therefore she simply adjusted our itinerary to reflect the correct dates and left the tickets as they were. We had to visit Qantas offices in Australia to have them changed and endorsed for travel under the advice of a friend in Australia who happened to be in the travel industry.


  • While on the subject of the itinerary: had we stuck to these guidelines, we would have missed our return flight to South Africa via Kuala Lumpur as the Seekers itinerary stated that we had to leave the hotel at the time the flight was actually taking off! If we hadn’t checked this against the actual tickets, we would have missed the flight.


  • Robyn then failed to pre-book the correct food option for us on Malaysia Airlines and we received vegan options rather than the lacto-vegetarian options we had requested from her.


  • She also failed to pre-book the seats we asked for on the first leg of the trip and we ended up enduring an extremely uncomfortable 10 hours to Kuala Lumpur from Johannesburg


  • She also asked us to pay for our Sydney hotel in advance (we arrived there for a stopover while my sister, also flying from SA arrived the day after us) which we duly did. However, when we arrived at the hotel, they had received the booking confirmation only – not the money thus I had to pay for it again. I am still awaiting recompense for this double payment.


  • All these service offerings from the award winning travel consultant of the year – multiple years in a row, I must add. She must have been having an off-year!

One of the main reasons we had been sold on the Seekers one-stop travel service offering was they had their own internal visa department. That is certainly the way it was portrayed to us by Robyn who even went as far as to refer to Visas International as “our visa company” in an email to us during the copious correspondence between us. And for the record, Seekers’ own terms and conditions make the same claim: “PASSPORTS Please note that it is the clients (sic) responsibility to check that you are holding a valid passport for your journey. Should you be travelling on a temporary passport you need to check that the country you are travelling to will accept a temporary passport. You are welcome to contact our In-House Visa Company should you require any assistance.” (My bold italics)


At no point did Robyn point out to us that VI was a separate entity or that we were responsible for finding out about our own visas, on the contrary, she touted them as a Seekers’ value-add. We asked her more than once about visas for Tahiti and were told by her more than once that they weren’t necessary as Tahiti was part of France and South Africans didn’t need visas for France; something which she now flatly denies. After all, given this debacle – there is little chance she’ll make the cut for Consultant of the Year 2008 if she admits to any ineptitude. (Have a look at the bullet point list above – too late for that). Seekers and “their In-House visa company” clearly didn’t seem to be aware of the Schengen agreement which I Googled while I was waiting in the hotel for Tuesday to arrive, as well as “French Polynesia visa requirements” to find out in single search the following information:

http://www.wordtravels.com/Travelguide/Countries/Tahiti+and+French+Polynesia/Visa
which revealed:





Which anyone will admit, is self-explanatory and not very hard for a layperson to discover. So the question remains – why didn’t Seekers and “their In-House visa company” know this? After all, they had booked us all the way through to French Polynesia and had taken my money for this service. And they had been quick to point out our visa requirements for Australia. We assumed they knew what they were doing and foolishly took the word of the travel agent of the year four years running when she told us we didn’t need visas for Tahiti. Silly of us to believe her.


We then spend the next week at our hotel as admin executives, phoning & emailing South Africa, trying to rebuild the shambles of our honeymoon and contacting our agent in Tahiti, who’d organised the internal aspects of the trip over there, to tell her that we wouldn’t be making it after all despite our best efforts.
We received a full refund from her almost immediately and this was transferred into my American Express card within a day.
No such luck with Seekers Travel, however. They merely offered alternative trips and I noticed that they were careful not to say “compensatory” anywhere in their correspondence and the alternatives arrived in the form of “quotations”. But going to Phuket (as nice as it may be) was not what we had dreamed and wasn’t what we wanted, thus we rejected their suggestions and told them we’d resolve the matter on our return to South Africa and would advise them of our new travel arrangements as we’d decided to book an internal Australian excursion to the outback.


And as promised, on our return, I compiled a dossier of the correspondence, the consequential costs including the non-refundable workshop costs that we’d forfeited, the fares to Tahiti and back from Sydney, car-hire, loss on foreign currency rates that we’d exchanged in anticipation of the Tahiti/Easter island leg then re-exchanged at a loss when it all fell apart, hotel costs while we’d been stuck in Sydney etc.
We asked for no more than we’d spent – in fact we asked for less than we’d spent; we excluded cellphone, internet costs etc. as a result of this debacle which, we do not believe was any fault of ours. The total (without trauma & stress factored in) came to around R104,000.00 and Seekers has had the opportunity to do the right thing and reimburse us for this dream turned nightmare.
But Seekers sought rather to play a waiting game and I was shunted from Mary-Ann to a William Fourie who didn’t bother to read the correspondence properly as he didn’t grasp that we weren’t claiming for our internal Tahiti excursion as part of the overall claim, merely the cancellation costs which were a paltry €70 (R700 at that time). He somehow thought I was trying to claim recompense from Seekers that had nothing to do with them. I wasn’t. I’m still not.


I consolidated our claim on 20th February when we returned only to have Seekers thank me for this a day later then request, on 28th February (after several follow up phone calls to them), that I collate this into a letter to them which I duly did on 3rd March.
They then informed me they would meet (twice for some reason – internal conflict perhaps?) over the matter and come back to me with a formal response by Friday 14th March which they did.


Not only is there not one single acknowledgement of responsibility by Seekers/Tourvest/Thomsons Tours for this comedy of errors, not even where I have had to pay for things twice, they politely told me to go and screw myself in the most eloquent of legalese they could muster by disingenuously claiming “their In-House visa company” actually isn’t In-House after all, in fact it has nothing to do with them.
But I beg to differ and it can be clearly shown in the correspondence that they maintained their ownership role of handling the visas until they realised they had botched it whereupon they adopted a 360 degree shift in attitude and ran for the hills.


I also beg to differ that Visas International was at any time portrayed as being anything other than their, Seekers’, “In-House visa company” affirming an overall ownership to the customer of this perception – they even go as far as to claim this fact. But elsewhere in the fine print lurks little escape clauses and presumably within their company hierarchal documentation they can prove that Visas International is actually not IN but Out-House.


In my world an Outhouse is a place where people go to dump crap and this is certainly the attitude adopted by this unprofessional company of people, the crap in question being unceremoniously but unequivocally dumped on their unhappy client. Rather than admit to a horrible mistake that caused a couple to be denied their dream honeymoon, they now definitely Seek to hide behind a single clause in their terms and conditions that both contradicts another clause in the same conditions as well as their portrayal of Seekers as a one-stop, turnkey travel operator offering one butt to kick. Well, I choose now to kick that butt.


I thus must broadcast to the world the nature of this company and warn others against the same despicable treatment of customers while I pursue this matter through my attorneys.
Seekers sucks – big time!


PS: read this for a laugh from Seekers’ website http://www.seekers.co.za/ReadContent1.aspx
(Emphases courtesy of me)


About Seekers Travel
Seekers Travel has been in operation since 1989 and was acquired by the JSE-listed group, Tourism Investment Corporation (Tourvest) in 1999. The acquisition of Seekers consolidated Tourvest's position as South Africa's leading tourism group with top buying power, product and technology development and systems skills.
The Seekers expansion philosophy "growing big by staying small" sets the company apart from other operators in the travel industry. Growing big, as part of the Tourvest Group, enhances economies of scale. Staying small with decentralised accountability allows personalised customer service.
Seekers Travel has decentralised the organisation into specialised business units with independent decision-making power(1). The implications of this are that each unit within the company is empowered to take ownership of their service levels as well as resolution(2). Seekers believes that this adds great value to the relationship between Seekers and the client(3), using the standardised processes and procedures that have been implemented throughout the national network.
Seekers Travel is a radical leader in travel and is constantly striving to achieve customer satisfaction in all interactions with clients(4). Seekers has always been at the forefront of development in the travel industry and the expertise has been recognised by numerous industry awards.
Seekers is dedicated to growth without losing sight of service excellence(5). The company is committed to maintaining a professional approach(6) in an otherwise laissez-faire market. People are Seekers’ greatest resource and the company is pledged to the personal and professional development of their staff(7).



1. This doesn’t seem to be the case as the matter in point was referred up the line 4 times to attain any degree of “independent decision-making” i.e. Robyn Barrett to Mary-Ann Goddard to William Fourie to Gavin Stevens to Conrad G Mortimer



2. This is also laughable as no “ownership” has been taken for any of the ineptitude on their part thus far let alone resolution in any satisfactory manner other than to their own egos and arrogance



3. Sorry, can’t agree here either – they have added no value to their relationship with me, quite the reverse – they have undermined any value that may initially have been apparent. However, I ended up assuming an admin role on their behalf due to their inability to deliver as promised. I must thus conclude that I inadvertently added value to them…



4. Another hollow claim akin to the previous one. There has been no “striving” to satisfy this customer – only to polarise him as is evidenced by this sordid account of our honeymoon tour package.



5. Seekers hasn’t got a clue what “service excellence” is – certainly not in this case in any event



6. Their approach has been anything but professional and their follow-up dismally lacking until prompted by me



7. This is quite possible, however, the ethos instilled does not comply with this hype-laden “mission statement”