25th June 2009 - BREAKING NEWS – MICHAEL JACKSON DIES AGED 50!
The tragic news of controversial pop-star and self-styled “king of Pop”, Michael Jackson’s death in Los Angeles has brought with it reactions of abject grief in many and little surprise in others given his eccentric and self destructive lifestyle.
Love or hate the “Peter Pan of Pop”, one could hardly ignore him, whether it was looking on dumbfounded at his physical transformation over the years from a cute black kid to the androgynous white creature he became in his latter years or simply reeling at the bizarre behaviour he exhibited for all to see – building a kids-only fairground on his sprawling LA property, dangling babies out of hotel room windows or just hanging out with precocious juveniles and monkeys. Although the latter behaviour probably pertains to many brat-pack American celebrities so let’s not judge him too harshly on that one.
Once the 911 call had been logged and emergency medical services dispatched to the eccentric singer’s home in the small hours of June 25th, he was reportedly found in a strange condition – when wasn’t he in a strange condition? one might ask.
Reports of Jackson’s injuries vary as some allege that he suffered cardiac arrest, other unconfirmed reports say he was incapacitated from food poisoning from having eaten some 12 year old nuts and a wiener while others say he was merely exhausted and had suffered a physical collapse.
“He was fine,” paramedic Buzz Mafone said after dropping the singer off at the UCLA medical centre, “until we wheeled him past the paediatric ward when he went stiff…”
Unconfirmed reports say it wasn’t cardiac arrest at all but he had a stroke in the Children’s Ward at the medical facility. A white, sticky patch on the Ward wall was recorded as Jackson’s last single release. Teeny boppers are already reportedly lapping it up.
Reports of a tiny pair of boxer-shorts taped to the pop-icon’s upper arm were not an unusual sight according to Jackson’s personal physician. “He was in rehab wearing a paedo-patch – trying to give up his habit,” the doc was heard to say.
Whatever the cause of death, and the county coroner isn’t sure on that one either issuing a statement that it could have been a variety of causal factors: Moonlight, sunshine, good times or boogie – he wasn’t sure what to blame it on exactly.
Uncertainty surrounds the actual time of death as well where the closest approximation from the office of the County Coroner places it around the time - “when the big hand was on the little hand…”
The tragedy of the event now denies the world the opportunity to have witnessed Jackson’s much-vaunted Comeback Tour in the UK, however, Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson was heard to comment upon receipt of the news that: “I’ll still be playing Giggs in August so dinnae worry!”
Similarly the Jackson Five were poised to relaunch their collective careers after Michael’s series of gigs but have now had to offer a 20% discount to Jackson 5 concert ticket holders.
Jermaine, brother of the late singer, said that they had been given a torrid time by the authorities following Michael’s death, certain issues raised - one being a knock-back from the undertaker saying that they wouldn’t accept plastic.
“As if that wasn’t bad enough,” Jermaine said, “but the EPA has cited us for planning to ‘dispose of toxic waste in a white plastic container’. Then there was the matter of the funeral itself. Michael had very specific last wishes – if he couldn’t be cremated and sprinkled into packets of Cheerios so he go through all those little assholes one last time, then he elected to have his casket carried by his best friends but the UCLA Garden of Remembrance management aren’t sure that so many six year olds would fit around the coffin…”
“Failing interment or cremation,” Jermaine went on, “Michael’s last resort would have been a burial at sea, being tossed between two buoys. He loved the idea of being surrounded by seamen.”
And the problems don’t end there: the comeback tour was an attempt by Jackson to stave off looming bankruptcy where now his bizarre assets will be auctioned off to settle his enormous debt.
Latest reports on this front confirm that Gary Glitter has made a $1m bid for the Moonwalker’s laptop although, Jermaine noted: “Bubbles isn’t really for sale. We’re looking for a good home for the ape, though – he’s very friendly, loves children and being whacked off by a white-gloved hand.” Jackson’s brother went on to say that if the auction went well, Bubbles would probably end up as the wealthiest monkey in the world after GW Bush.
The rush for memorabilia and Jackson’s many recordings has already begun and a new Mr Potato Head figure in Jackson’s image has been manufactured featuring five different removable noses. The high level of recyclable plastic following the cremation will be used to fashion Jacko Lego blocks so that kiddies can play with him for a change. And the London HQ of Madame Tussaud’s has now put in a bid to have the realistic Michael Jackson waxwork replaced with the newer plastic version “now that it’s become available”.
Crossing Over star, John Edward, the renowned mystic and celebrity has issued a statement to the press that he has already received messages from Michael from beyond and that he’s okay and in a better place. “In fact,” Edward stated, “Michael said he had met St Peter who had made him a probationary angel until he had passed his first test – making it through the Christmas bash without getting too close to the manger and baby Jesus. Michael had also met with Farrah Fawcett and had been hurt by the rumours that just because she had been ‘fucking Majors’ didn’t mean automatically that he had been ‘fucking minors’. He also poured derision on the rumours from the Heavenly choir that he had molested Casper the friendly ghost or that Farrah’s last earthly wish had been to save all the children of the world hence Michel’s sudden demise. It was all lies, Michael said – lies that had followed him to heaven.”
Whatever you may wish to believe of this man/woman/other – he was certainly imbued with talent that nobody could deny.
No matter how poor the taste of this piece (and Jacko was his own worst enemy not me or the piss-takers who came up with all the jokes); I personally loved his music, his contribution to the world of entertainment and despite it all - his chequered but brilliant legacy will live on forever.
While angel Elvis gobbles down another celestial cheeseburger and strains the sequined jumpsuit with the wings just a little more, maybe the heavenly host will be able to scrounge up a couple of needles and a yard of fabric and make Michael another glove and find a pair of trousers that actually fit him.
RIP Michael Jackson you twisted genius. (1958 – 2009)
PS - apologies to all affected by this but I don't think Michael gives a rat's ass now.
