NUTS (or lack thereof) TO CYCLING

I got on my bicycle for the first time in about 3 years the other day and went for a ride.
Why the prolonged hiatus?
Well, it's a question of nuts really. Or rather - how you would like your nuts (speaking solely from a man's perspective, of course).
You see - cycling may be very good exercise and it may well work your cardio-vascular system in a manageable way, it may help you lose weight, define muscle tone (on the legs) while burning fat off the upper body over a period of time.
Yes, folks, cycling may do all of these beneficial things but unfortunately in the course of this benefit, danger and misery lurks... and I'm not talking about falling off - that's gonna happen anyway sooner or later. There are, we know, two types of cyclists:

1. Those that have fallen off
and
2. Those that will fall off

No, I'm talking about saddles and ass assemblies and how both are designed.
Now if you were to have a look at your ass - in a mirror is preferable otherwise your neck could develop serious muscle spasm from peering over your shoulder - you would see instantly that the distance between the centre of each butt cheek bears absolutely no resemblance to the widest part of a standard bicycle saddle.
Why, you may ask, is this the case?
For you actually sit on your butt cheeks don't you?
Or you're supposed to aren't you?
And the simple answer to these two fundamental questions is - YES - of course you are supposed to sit on your butt cheeks. That's why the padding was put there in the first place and it must be said here and now that some people have more padding than others and it's a matter of fact that women tend to have a bit more padding than men. It's true, I tell you - it's a gender trait - I didn't design us - but there it is. Live with it.
And don't worry - it isn't cycling shorts that make our butts look bigger - it's usually a shitload of fatty food and a crappy lifestyle devoid of exercise that does that. But I digress.
Padded cycling shorts make everyone look like they've just shit themselves anyway so no fashion statement there, honey, I don't care who makes the fucking things.
So you measure your centre of butt-cheek to centre of butt-cheek gauge and you take this measurement and compare it to the saddle you've been told is the ultimate in aerodynamic excellence and state-of-art designing.
But, you conclude, if your ass cheek gauge is much wider than this costly rapierlike accessory (and everyone's is - without exception even the skinny gits) then won't the cheeks be hanging over each side of the thing and your weight will be resting on....
That's absolutely correct, Einstein - your entire upper body weight will be resting on that shard of anatomy that connects your asshole to your pink (dangly - in many cases) bits!
But, I hear you cry (and cry you soon will, I promise you), that ridge of fleshy meat surely wasn't designed for that purpose?
And again, dear masochists, you'd be totally spot on.
And after several hours of writhing around on this bridge of gristle with testicles (in guys - and maybe some women - who knows?) being ground against the unyielding pommel, it is scant wonder that these once magnificent spheres of pleasure and manhood, dessicate into worthless prunes after just one supposedly healthy ride. And the rider rolls away on tottering legs like a sailor after ten months at sea or a John Wayne impersonator showing how a real cowboy should swagger...
And for the ladies, I can only imagine the havoc being wreaked upon those delicate folds of flesh that deserve nothing more robust than the gentle lapping of a lover's tongue or the tender ministrations of a more practised nature than the pounding of a R600 hardened bar of plastic whacking into them like a miniature jackhammer in overdrive.
Suffice to say, I don't buy this macho bullshit dispensed by the hardcore cycling fraternity when they say: "You learn to ride through the pain."
What a crock of bollocks (or "what a crush of bollocks" to be more precise).
Why should any sane person trust a man who believes that shaving his legs will make him so much more aerodynamic than he was before he started this macho hobby?
And secondly, anyone who tries to convince you that bicycle saddles have to be rapier thin to provide a lower drag co-efficient, needs to see a shrink or get a 21st century reality check.
When the saddle is being overlaid by a large ass assembly, a gnarly scrotal appendage, cycling-shorts' padding and a pair of meaty thighs and all of these attachments present themselves to the oncoming wind before it has any chance of reaching the saddle (if it ever does), then how in God's name does the skinny, uncomfortable piece of shit designed by the Marquis de Sade require to be aerodynamic at all?
And the very simple answer is - IT DOESN"T!!!
So, once I had figured this out (it didn't take me long) - I designed myself a saddle that (while perhaps not sleek and Armani-ish) allowed me to rest my buttocks upon it as they were designed to do and designed, I may add, by a superior being infinitely more savvy than any wanked out smooth-legged cycling afficionado!
Then glory be! I found myself a saddle in a Cape Town cycling store that went one better as it resembled an upholstered tractor seat but with a webbing spring assembly beneath soft padded rubber, the whole thing sitting on little suspension springs and augmented by the soft-tail mono-shock on my Orbea mountain bike.
And guess what, folks?
You don't even have to wear one of those padded cycling shorts/nappies when you get on to hit the roughest terrain.
Why not? I hear you ask.
1. Because the saddle design and the bike suspension takes the hits!
2. And your arse is on the seat, your bollocks (other prettier bits for ladies) are well out of the way of the grinding zone and your legs can pedal freely on either side of the pommel without emasculating you or initiating some other unmentionable mischief.
I thus beseech you all - gentlemen and ladyfolk alike:
Don't let them bullshit you with -
It has to hurt but you get used to it....
or
No pain, no gain
or
This one is really aerodynamic
or
Any other inane bullshit that has no foundation in common-sense reality.

Buy yourself a saddle that looks like an upholstered tractor seat and have fun.
If you are a seriously psycho harcore cycling freak pushing the Giro crews on the Tour-de-France mountain climbs and you are usually seen racing wearing the latest in yellow accoutrements and you need to be sleeker than a hairless, polished beanpole, then maybe this advice isn't for you and you deserve to be a eunuch or a woman with a permanently bruised pudding anyway.
But if not, be fucking sensible and forego the pain.
Trust me - I'm not a gynaecologist but I'll have a look at it for you anyway!